If 23 and 24 taught me anything, it’s that you can’t be something you’re not. In this modern age, I’ve tried to go with the flow and adapt to the changes from relationships to “friends” with benefits. It finally got to the point that I realized that this ain’t what it is.
You I can’t have the benefit of a relationship without the dignity of the title. I know we’ve all been hurt by someone but shutting people out doesn’t make the pain hurt any less.
I know the thirst is real for most of us (TRUST ME) but how are little droplets of water placating that? I need an aquifer! I need something more than scraps when I deserve to be at the table. The “benefits” are nice but they’re just low hanging fruit. Shouldn’t we aim higher? If you’re truly okay with casual sex and can be that detached that frequent physically intimacy with one person won’t have you feeling a certain way…I won’t judge you but I also won’t fully trust you’re ok with that. Feelings happen and I’m tired of us pretending as if having them are bad things. They are not these unallowed, intolerable things that we have to learn to kill. It’s ok if you feel some kind of way. It’s ok if you start wondering about a future with a person you’re involved. with. It’s ok to be human and to recognize that you want and need more.
It took me a while to come to that conclusion though. For the longest I wanted to be the cool girl. I wanted to be aloof and mysterious but I realized that’s just another way of saying fragile and afraid. Casual sex can work if two people are ok with just having sex and nothing more but FWBs are designed to fail. It’s not really a friendship so much as fauxship, a bridge, a pause, or a crutch. I get it because I’ve done it. It’s nice to have someone to lean on when you don’t want to do the work to lean on yourself. It’s comforting to think you have someone who doesn’t make you feel alone. But those are all emotional needs, not sexual ones. When you mix the two you essentially get the trappings of a relationship without the commitment and let’s not bullshit ourselves here, what the fuck does that do? It’s either confusing because you’re the one looking for more than benefits or aggravating because that’s all you’re willing to give. The point of these types of arrangements is to avoid any and all vulnerability while secretly wanting just that. It’s predicated on taking without putting anything back into it. If something is developed as a means to avoid emotional anguish, why does it generate just as much of it?
I’ll admit when I first started going through this phase I thought it was liberating in a way. I’m all for people figuring out what they want sexually and emotionally but I have a hard time believing that someone would only ever be satisfied with just that. There’s so much more to people than what’s between their legs, why wouldn’t you want to explore that? Why wouldn’t you want someone to explore and know you too? …that’s probably a topic for another time though. At some point you have to be honest with who you are and what you want. So often we say one thing but our actions show that we want another. When I was able to be honest about both of those things, I realized that FWBs were never going to work for me.
They feel great initially. If you still have wounds you’ve yet to heal and pain you’ve yet to process, it’s an incredible distraction. You show the cards you want to be seen and vice versa. It’s a great illusion, a game of show-and-tell but there’s a reason magic tricks don’t last forever. They can’t.
So what do you do? I’ve ghosted, been ghosted, and even “broken up” with guys I’m technically not in a relationship with. See how convoluted and unnecessary that is? Being in a non-relationship, relationship is more confusing than being single or with someone and for me, not at all worth the effort. I’m at a place where I want more in all areas of my life. They’re not complicated, dramatic, or outrageous but I’m learning that the simplest things are often the most difficult to find.
So what’s a girl to do?
Until then lovelies, feel better, be better, and do better!