Friday we’d agreed to meet. He said he had an explanation for his behavior. There was a reason for the madness. I needed that reason. I was owed a reason. I wanted it more than I wanted him back. The speed in which I typed my text proved it.
“I don’t know what you’ve been going through but it’s ok. I love you. Whatever it is we can work it out. We’ll be ok. I’m here for you.”
I paused for a second, wondering if the words would manifest the surreal sincerity behind them once he read it. I hit send.
I eagerly awaited a response. When minutes turned into hours, I decided to put my phone away. He had pleaded for this. Surely he would respond. Friday passed. Saturday dragged by. Sunday came and I drove to our agreed upon location. I waited for about an hour. I looked at my phone again. No new calls, no text messages, no voicemails.
He never showed up.
A year ago, I started this blog on the heels of an unexpected but anticipated break up. I knew I had jumped onto a sinking ship but tried to convince myself that the water around us wasn’t cause for alarm. It was an ordinary relationship like the millions of others that play out around us every day. It had a beginning, a middle, and an end. The end and what came after are what I look back on and smile. Time may not be the healer but it certainly is a vessel for it. With it, I found the space to gain some perspective and see things as they were, not just as I had experienced them. I got the aerial view, the Google Earth perspective. I saw two flawed people come together, pretend that their flaws were not a factor, and separate upon realizing that they were. I don’t kick myself for remembering happy moments, I don’t try to foolishly block them from my memory. With enough time you realize you don’t have to. The beauty of those moments take on a new meaning. They were wonderful and exciting because I was brave enough to let love in.
A breakup isn’t about broken hearts, you can’t break a heart you didn’t create. The second you part ways, everything that comes next is your responsibility. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, breakups and relationships have very little to do with the other person. It’s your reactions, your baggage, your emotions, your hangups, your misconceptions that dictate 99% of your interactions. So after some time I learned that if I focused more on what was done to me and less on my actions, I would never properly heal. After everything, the most important relationship was the one I made with myself. I went through the usual stages, depression, pretending I was over it, rebounding, finding substitutes, avoidance, but finally I just dealt with it. I put my heart out there and while I don’t regret it ( no one should ever feel ashamed for being brave enough to love and be loved) it was naive of me to think that consequences don’t exist for every choice you make. I let the wrong one in and had to deal with the mess that was made. But I wasn’t heartbroken. Your heart, your resolve, your spirit aren’t things that can be smashed or demolished. They’re flexible, they can withstand the impact from colliding with life’s circumstances. The infatuation of love feels amazing because someone is showering you with attention and affection. Like rain to flowers, it can feel like you’re finally blooming. Just because you part ways doesn’t mean the nourishment stops. That person isn’t the sole person in charge of feeding your soul. You are. Take the reigns and nourish yourself. You don’t have to wait for anyone to do that for you. Be the partner you’re longing for, treasure yourself, encourage yourself, love yourself instead of waiting and pining after someone else to do it. You end up settling for crumbs instead of taking the cake when you don’t.
As always, feel better, do better, and be better!